THE GODLY MARRIAGE – Heb 13:4 AMP

The idea and concept of marriage has been grossly abused and trivialized especially by modern day society to the point where it has been reduced to ink and paper, two men or two women getting married.

In Matthew 19 when Jesus was asked concerning marriage hear what he said – Matt 19:3-8

So, what is marriage? To understand and answer this question, let us go to the beginning – Gen 1:26-28 AMP

WHAT IS MARRIAGE?

Marriage is a sacred and holy institution designed by God between one man and one woman to fulfill purpose and ultimately execute His will on earth!

Now remember, God is a Spirit and anything He does must first be conceived in the spirit before it manifests in the physical. So, in Gen 2:7 the physical man was formed and God got him engaged but remember, God had a plan and reason for creating the man, which is to multiply and fill the earth and without marriage – which brings the woman to the picture – the man cannot do it!

So, in Gen 2:18 God said – it is not good for man to be alone I will make him a helper comparable to him – Amplified says; I will make him a helper (one who balances him – a counterpart who is suitable and complementary for him. (These are qualities recommended by God you must look out for when you want to marry)

See verses 19-20 – What was God doing here? To see if Adam could identity his wife (helper) that was hidden in him in the beginning. And when he didn’t – He brought her out of him in verses 21-22 and the moment Adam saw her in verse 23– he said this is bone of my bones and flesh of my flesh because she was taken from me!

Now look at verse 24–   One flesh as they were in the beginning in the spirit! Once they get married physically, they have returned to that original state in the eyes of God so they are one and inseparable!  ONE FLESH! CAN YOU DIVIDE ONE? NO! This was what Jesus was trying to say to them in Matthew 19 concerning marriage that from the beginning it wasn’t so!

HOW TO SUSTAIN A GODLY MARRIAGE? – Gen 2:25

Listen: There is no such thing as a perfect marriage, every marriage is uniquely different and must be worked out. Marriage is like salvation – work out your own marriage, however there are pointers we can give that will help you sustain and build a great marriage.

1. “And the man and his wife…” Acknowledge & honor the new state of your relationship as husband and wife – you might have friends and other relationships in your life that have lasted longer, but now, your marriage relationship takes precedence over every other human relationship
2. “And the man and his wife were both naked…” Inside your marriage, be open with each other without secrets. This is the foundation for building trust & intimacy in marriage (Any marriage without trust won’t stand the test of time) – phone and email PW – COMMUNICATION! Lack of communication leads to assumption and assumption causes confusion.
   In the natural, if you don’t talk your mouth stinks, so if you don’t talk in marriage, it will stink and ultimately SINK! TALK! TALK!! TALK!!!
   
3. “And the man and his wife were both naked…” To the outside world, cover each other’s nakedness (weaknesses and flaws) – Marriage will reveal your spouse to you and you will likely discover you never truly knew them. Alot of divorces happen the first year of marriage, because they couldn’t cover the nakedness they discover.
4. “And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed or embarrassed” Be proud of your spouse no matter the situation (some ppl are ashamed of their spouse). Be contented at every level you are and build together. (VGC early days – not one day was Pst B ashamed that we came to church there were 7 ppl including us)
5. Make Jesus the head and cover of your marriage

Invite Jesus into your home from the very beginning – John 2 Jesus was invited to a wedding at Cana. (This is highly symbolic! It means Jesus should and must be present at the beginning of every marriage, which is the wedding).
For those already married, think back to your wedding day, how central was Jesus to that celebration? Was that indicative of how important/unimportant He is in your home today? For those engaged or heading towards marriage, ensure you give Jesus His due place in your relationship and on the day of your wedding – be very deliberate about it (more so than the several dress fitting, cake tasting & venue viewings you’re planning).

Any marriage that doesn’t factor GOD in might fail. You must be intentional about this. Jesus didn’t just come to that wedding, he was invited! – John 2:2. So, make sure Jesus is the center of your marriage, because the enemy will attack it and when he does Jesus is already present.

The wedding at Cana was attacked at infancy but thank God Jesus was present. How? Their wine finished! don’t let the wine of marriage run low or finish before you invite Him! Many wait till the wine finishes before they start looking for Jesus, NO! let Him be present already by intentionally inviting Him!

Because Jesus was present at the wedding/marriage – when the enemy attacked, He compensated the couple with the best wine. The bible recorded that when the Chairman tasted the wine, he exclaimed that the bridegroom brought wine that wasn’t so sweet at the beginning and the best at the end which was different from what others do.

What does this tell us: The first stage of marriage may not be so pleasant because it is a time of learning and compatibility checks. Unfortunately, many give up and quit, rather than embracing the learning process and making necessary adjustments in an effort to grow together and maintain oneness. When you reach certain milestones in marriage, you can look forward to new dimensions of your relationship. For example: Four speaks of balance; anything with four legs has balance. 7 speaks of perfection.

When you have passed these years and their test, then you can now start counting.

Finally, when Jesus is involved in your marriage He fights and wins battles that you are not even aware of just to make your marriage work, sweet and lasting. (The couple at the wedding in cana may not even have been aware that their wine finished)

In line with this, know that when you start having children after marriage, this comes with its own challenges, because again the new situation could reveal new parts of your spouse you never knew (and equally new sides of yourself YOU never knew). Its all a process, decide in advance to embrace it, come what may, because with Jesus is involved, He will always lead you through any trials or storms.

Q&A

We have a lot of questions on Marriage – we believe as we answer them, we are also teaching and we all can learn from it.

1. How can a woman of God submit to an arrogant and selfish husband?

ANSWER: – Eph 5:22-24

First, we need to understand what the word submit means. Submitting is recognizing order. There’s an order that’s been set by God.

Eg: Every tree must produce its kind with its root in the ground and the branches and leaves growing out. If the reverse happens then it means there is no submission to the law of God so submission is recognizing order

1. Submitting is recognizing order
2. Submission is accepting authority as set by God

Listen – submission is not forced; whenever you are forced to submit that’s not true submission – that is subjugation

Now whether you are woman of God or not – the Bible didn’t say women should submit but wives – so according to the order set by God wives should submit to their husbands. In order words recognize the authority of your husband and accept the order in the marriage as set by God. That way submission is simply obeying and following the order set by God.

Now in the situation where her husband is arrogant and selfish – there is a need for counseling and mediation to set things right but she cannot break the order and authority set by God by not submitting just because her husband is arrogant and selfish.

2. Materially your husband is a good provider, but has no respect for you and your Christian life. He is verbally abusive which can sometimes lead to arguments. How can you tolerate this behavior and be a good wife, and follow God fully? 

ANSWER:

Certain behaviors are not acceptable whether in marriage or not – we do not accept wrong because it is within the context of marriage NO! What is wrong is wrong! If it is within the context of marriage – it is maritally wrong!

Your husband being a good provider is not a plus rather it is his fundamental duty to do so – so providing for the family and now using that to insult and abuse the family makes him irresponsible.  Should he be appreciated for providing? Yes! Should he use that to insult, disrespect and abuse you? No!)

Wives, never tolerate any form of abuse because your husband is providing for the family especially if it has deteriorated to the point where he mocks your faith and Christian life with it (e.g. Upon all your prayers, see your miserable life, if not for me paying your bills you would have been begging. Worship me because I am your god). If you still keep quiet at this point, it means you have a price and have been bought! Vice versa

WHAT DO YOU DO? 

Do not disrespect or fight with him, but stand up and speak up! Women submit to your husband but not at the detriment of your sanity and humanity!

Never let a man see and treat you as a fool that doesn’t have a say or opinion. Marriage is not slavery!

Talk to him about the abuse and what you have observed, if he doesn’t change then take the matter to a higher authority e.g. a Pastor or a spiritual head – someone he has high regard for and respects. If after all of that he doesn’t change then continue to pray that God touches him, because these signs must have been seen before marriage thus it is a cross you must be willing to carry for the rest of your life, until change comes.

3. What does it benefit a wife to stay in an abusive marriage, knowing with all her heart that she does not love her husband?

ANSWER:

1. Nothing! There is no benefit to abuse! There is nowhere God asks any woman or man to stay in an abusive marriage!

Understand this: when it comes to divorce the scripture gave us a certain standard or grounds for it – that only on the grounds of adultery a man can divorce his wife. But we must also understand the omniscience and manifold wisdom of God and His laws. This covers and helps us navigate situations that were not explicitly written in the Bible because there are some things that are happening now that weren’t happening or common then.

For example, marriage under pretense or a serious lie. You meet a woman, talks, acts and dresses like a woman with all the features but a few years in marriage you discover she can’t have children because the lady is originally a man that has done surgery to change into a lady.

A man that is impotent or a woman that doesn’t have a womb and keeps this a secret from their spouse until they’re married.

Based on this discovery the marriage from that moment is invalid! It means the marriage was never a Godly marriage from the beginning, so even though there was no adultery, on the basis of this lie the marriage can be dissolved and God will accept it.

1. in the context of marriage, not loving your husband (anymore) is no reason for divorce unless it has gotten to a place where life is threatened i.e. if you begin to hate your spouse so much that everything in you wants to hurt them, then we advise that you both go your separate ways before one is injured or dies.

Also, when there is so much emotional, physical or psychological abuse that it is slowly affecting your sanity and health, then there is a need to consider separation and intervention through mediation. But not loving your spouse is not enough reason to leave your marriage, because LOVE IS NOT A FEELING! (98% of couple that are about to divorce will tell you – I still LOVE him/her but …..) Love will take you into a marriage, but it may not get you through the marriage

Love is a verb and an action word and must be demonstrated (1 Cor 13:4-8). In the absence of these qualities plus abuse, then the marriage is already over unless the abuser changes!

4. Is marrying a man or a woman for material’s reason as a believer a sin? (You know it’s the assets, and financial background of he or she, not the will of God) 

ANSWER:

NO! It has nothing to do with sin but an character issue that needs to be addressed. It is not a sin and it is also not good.So, let’s understand what is more important to both parties in relationship.

For the man – the most important thing to a man in a relationship is to be respected and valued! Respect is like oxygen to the man in a relationship; without it the relationship will suffocate and eventually die! No matter how quiet a man is, if you disrespect him continuously you will bring out the worst in him – why? Because men are wired that way to be respected!

For the woman – the most important thing in a relationship for a woman is SECURITY. She wants to feel secured and protected! (While I was busy planning for our wedding in Nigeria, Pst Bukky was busy looking for an apartment for us to rent and she made sure that we kept the money separate so that once she found a place we pay for it before we spend it on the wedding) why? I was thinking of the lavish wedding but she was thinking of the security of the marriage – where we will stay after the wedding!

This is the reason why most times women would prefer to marry a more financially stable man – why? SECURITY!

It is not necessarily a bad thing – it’s in their DNA! When a woman marries a guy who is struggling, she has seen 2 things – his potentials and his future so she takes time to invest in him knowing one day it will pay off!

The reason why a woman would dishonor her husband when he can’t provide or if he’s sick is because she doesn’t see a need for him anymore. All the things he’s supposed to do for her she is now doing for herself (The story of the couple in America)

Now the extreme is where the problem is – where a man/woman becomes a gold digger and marries just because they want money (so a 20yrs old girl marries 78yrs man because he is wealthy and knows he’s about to die, that is bad and a fraud! Same thing when a guy does the same!)

5. Is marriage compulsory for every Christian?

ANSWER:

NO! Because it is a choice – Matthew 19:10-12, and if you choose not to get married understand that God’s standard to live in purity still applies to you 1 Cor 7:8-9

6. Is it right for only one party to initiate sex?

7. In marriage, what is the advantage of sex apart from the motive of having children?

8. Is it right for a husband/wife to be working on a project with the intention to surprise the other party at last?

9. Can a marriage succeed without a third party? E.g. in-laws, pastors, reliable friend